Glibbertysmidgeon

I have worms in my kitchen.

Technically, they’re in the utility closet, but when they die, they always end up stuck to my kitchen floor.

It’s not an infestation, it’s a worm bin. When I was in Hawai’i on my honeymoon, I learned about Vermicomposting from my brand new sister-in-law, Piper. You read that right. I learned composting on my honeymoon.

Piper owns a little business called Hawai’i Rainbow Worms through which she teaches composting workshops to her fellow islanders. Vermicomposting is about letting worms eat your kitchen scraps. Ever the tree-hugger, I’ve been wanting one of those big, plastic backyard composters for a year now, but have been reluctant to spend the 150 bucks to buy one, particularly in a year when I was too busy choosing bridesmaids’ dresses to bathe my dog or dust the furniture, let alone tackle any major landscaping projects. So I was excited to see how a real pro uses worms to turn used paper towels and papaya rinds into rich feed for plants.

Within a week of our return home, I was at the Bargains R Us store down the block, buying the big plastic containers I would need to start my own worm bins. It was easy to drill the necessary holes in two of the three bins, but somewhat more difficult to purchase the spray paint. After three bargain stores shrugged at my request, I went to a real hardware store, where the cans were stored in a locked display case. The paint guy winked when he asked me for my I.D. I suppose it makes sense that you have to be 18 to buy a can of spray paint in New York City. Once we had constructed the bin, added the damp paper and the worm food (kitchen scraps) I headed out into the yard with a hand trowel, a plastic bag, and a Maglite. By shuffling through the dead leaves in the yard, I was able to collect a good fistful of red wrigglers which I ceremoniously introduced to their new habitat.

It was hard those first two weeks, when I wasn’t allowed to feed the worms. Perfectly good banana peels had to be thrown in the trash! Now I’m allowed to feed them every other day, and they’re getting egg shells, coffee grounds, tomato stems, and broccoli stumps. MMM MMM good.

But my worms are not thriving. I’ve checked my worm bin troubleshooting list once, then twice.
Too wet? Nope.
Too dry? I’m pretty sure it’s not…
Too acidic? No citrus in there…
Too much vibration? Uh uh.
Too hot? Not yet anyway. Once the landlord turns on the steam boiler, I may have to worry….
Too cold? Definitely not.

And yet, each time I open the bin, I find another dead soldier. Not enough Oxygen? We drilled more holes. We added new worms. We gave them some of their native backyard leaf food.

Whatever the problem, it seems to be getting worse. Now they’re not just dying, they’re committing suicide.

Three times I’ve been unhappily surprised to find a drying little worm body stuck to the kitchen floor just outside the closet door. They must be forcing their way through their little air holes, but where were they going? Were they making for the back yard?

The papers Piper sent me say that worms will stay with their food unless they’re really uncomfortable, so the conditions in my worm bin must be severe. Whatever is going on in my utility closet, I have to assume, can only be worm torture.

Tonight I’m going to call in the professionals to attempt an emergency worm rescue. If I can’t contact Piper, I may be forced to release the worms back into the wild. It is the only humane thing to do.

Wish us all the very best of luck.