The Post Fight Show
This morning on the radio, I heard a discussion about the separation of church and state. One caller asked why we needed it.
The host replied, “Look, I am not a religious person. If we don’t have separation of church and state, what’s to stop them from rounding all of the people like me up and putting us in a cage?”
The caller responded shrilly,
“Do you know how ridiculous you liberals sound? Nobody is going to put you in a cage, can you hear yourself?”
I was annoyed with both of them. Niether of these people was adding anything meaningful to the discussion. The host was exaggerating, and the caller was responding with name calling, and a knee-jerk, judgemental response. Neither seemed interested in hearing what the other side had to say. More importantly, neither side showed any indication that he was willing to examine his own assumptions.
It reminded me of the fights I sometimes have with my husband. In our house, I’m the exaggerator,
“You are ALWAYS on that computer and you NEVER help me with the housework anymore!”
This really means, “I want you to help me with the dishes right now.”
Kris, like most people, responds to attack with defense, “I just sat down two minutes ago!”
Interpreting his defense as a sign that he is denying my accusations, I exaggerate further, “You were there all day yesterday, and then again this morning! When are you going to make time for your chores?” Now he gets mad.
“I wasn’t on the computer all day. I went to the park with you! We saw a movie! I spent more than half the day doing what you wanted to do!”
By now, I know he’s right. I have exaggerated and accused him unfairly. But I’m mad, and I want to win. My mind starts handing me red herrings: “Going to the park was a chore- I would have had to walk the dog anyway so that doesn’t count! -Usually-you-don’t-eve-bother-to-help-with-that-anyway, ” and “you were the one that wanted to see that movie!”
After a fight, Kris and I do what I call the Post Fight Show. This is where we sit together and talk about the real cause of the fight and discuss what we could have done differently to prevent it. We agree to do whatever needs doing, and make sure to smooth over any hurt feelings. We reaffirm that we are both on the same team.
After three years of the Post Fight Show we can recognize this pattern pretty quickly:
- I am grouchy or tired, and I don’t want to do the dishes. He looks like he’s having fun, so I vent on him.
- Surprised by my sneak attack, he gets mad and defensive.
- We jump to opposite sides of the ring and put up our dukes.
Once it comes to this, the fight will get more and more irrational until we finally run out of energy, make up, and talk it through. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised to hear this same pattern being played out on the radio, in the office, and on news shows across the country. Anytime you see two people arguing any issue, you’re likely to see:
Attack
Defend
Counterattack
Red herring
Red herring
Red herring
Frequently these attacks and counter attacks are not new ideas, but parroted repetitions of things the disputants have heard or used before. I am concerned about the impact these discussions are having on all of us. Besides teaching us a bad way discuss issues, they are feeding us thousands of red herrings, which we repeat to one another as if they really mattered.
You can see this in action all over the television. In this clip Jon Stewart is telling Tucker Carlson and Paul Begala of Crossfire that their kind of debating is not really a debate. Tucker and Paul are tossing red herrings like banana peels in a cartoon chase.
The frustrating thing about this style of argument is that it doesn’t solve anything. Are these guys really trying to solve a problem, or are they just trying to win? In politics, I think there’s a third answer: Each side is trying to get the viewers (us) to hear their ‘talking point’ again. And again, and again, and again. They’re hoping we’ll accept these sound bytes without thinking about it, and begin repeating them to each other.
Usually, that’s exactly what we do. The sad thing about this is that we aren’t a nation of idiots. We are capable of thinking for ourselves. I may be an idealist, but I do believe that the majority of Americans are good people, kind people. People who want what is best for our country and for each other. So we disagree on the details of what is best. There are a lot of us, so I wouldn’t expect us all to have the same opinion.
What I do expect, is that we attempt to discuss these differences of opinion in an honest and loving manner. I expect us to reject knee-jerk reactions, in favor of thoughtful responses.
We are not enemies, we should not be trying to beat each other. We are countrymen, and we should be trying to solve our problems together.
As a team.
Kris and I aren’t having those fights as much as we used to. Thanks to The Post Fight Show I’ve learned that I should bite back my pointless attack, and ask him for what I need,
“Honey, will you help me with the dishes now?”
Now that we’ve seen the end of the dirtiest, most divisive election in my lifetime, isn’t it time we had our own Post Fight Show? We are, after all, on the same team. Let’s throw away those red herrings and bite back those reflexive attacks and start solving this.
I know it’s hard work.
Let’s get to it.
