Glibbertysmidgeon

Real Friends Fight

You can be honest, share your side
What really can you have to hide?
Lay down your fear and useless pride
And let truth light this dark divide

I wrote this poem four years ago to a girl I had thought of as a close friend.
She has never read it, because we are still not speaking to one another.

For the first three years, this really stung me.

When she went on the annual ski trip with all our friends and I didn’t. When I saw her name on the cc list on emails. When I caught a glimpse of some girl wearing her hair in that french braid thing, like she always did. Pretty much any time her name came up in casual conversation I got a sick little angry stomach ache.

Any time I thought of her, the frustration and betrayal came flooding back like it was brand new. I kept telling myself that if only she had let me explain my side I could have fogiven her, but that just made me mad all over again. In fact, each time the anger came back, it was bigger than the last time. I just got madder and madder.

Eventually, I had to let it go.

The thing I’ve learned about people is this: They are who they are.
When I make a friend, I have to choose them for who they are, and not for who I wish they would be.

I have a different friend, Scot, who is the perfect casual friend. He’s a great storyteller, and a whiz at the barbecue. He is so relaxed that when he enters the room it feels like summer vacation. You can actually catch relaxation from him.

But you can’t expect Scot to show up at any particular time, and you can’t count on him to help with the dishes. I ate a lot of burritos with Scot, but when I needed a ride to the hospital I called someone else.

That’s how it is with friends. Some friends are mostly good for a trip to the movies, while other friends are people you can spend a whole summer backpacking in Europe with. The trick is in figuring out which circle of friends each fits into.

I always knew Grudge Girl had a fear of confrontation, and I’d always been able to live with that because I didn’t need to have any confrontations with her. There at the end, when she suddenly gave me a piece of her mind, I was glad to hear her yelling at me. It seemed to me that this was the beginning of something good, and I was looking forward to that chance to be honest with her right back- once I was off work.

But that didn’t work out the way I’d hoped. Every time I tried to talk to her about the fight, she changed the topic:

“What kind of yogurt do you want?”

And every time she changed the topic, I felt betrayed.

I see now that I am the one who’d made the mistake.
I should have realized that she was a friend who’s good for mountain bike rides and hikes and ski trips, but not the best choice for engaging in emotionally loaded conversations. At least, not in those days. I know people do change.

The ironic part of this story is that all of that anger only hurt me. Every time I got mad, it was my day being soured, not hers. I’m sure that Grudge Girl was completely unaffected by my rage- she didn’t evcen know about it. This is how I learned that forgiveness is not something nice you do for a person who has wronged you.

Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself.