Self Doubt
It is the night time when I feel the sense of dread.
When I’m listening with one ear to the baby monitor, but I can’t quite fall asleep because it’s there.. waiting to detonate.
When she keeps me up hour after hour, and I start to think those circular thoughts, “I can’t stand it! Let me go! Somebody get this baby off of my tit!”
Or when I’m sick. When I get up and cry while I rock her, desperate from misery and exhaustion.
There are nights when I fear that I have made a terrible mistake.
That I am not cut out to be a parent.
“If you were the worst mother in the world,” Kris once tried to console me, “Scarlett would not be the happy, glowing child that she is.”
I do worry that I will fail her- every day I find new ways to develop my self doubt. Shouldn’t she be better sleep trained by now? Will I ever wean? How will I know when to potty train? How will I know HOW to potty train?
But I have resources to deal with that fear. I read, I talk to other mothers, and I consult with my sage nanny, Serah.
What I really fear is that I’m not strong enough to survive this experience.
Mom said,
February 4, 2008 @ 9:30 pm
Hi honey, Don’t worry so much right now. This could certainly be like a post partum depression. This too shall pass. I think I heard that somewhere. A couple hints if you would like, Potty training should start as soon as she is walking fairly good. This way, she will “get it,” and be able to take herself soon. Take her in with you when you go, and if you have a potty chair, let her sit on it when you do the BIG one. She will get the idea that this is good cause she is doing what “mommy does”. By worrying so much, Scarlett can feel it too and she will respond to your feelings.
You are a GREAT mom, and I am very proud of you. I really am. There are times when most mommys will feel some what the way you are right now. Relax, sleep, and keep doing what you are doing and have fun with her. These are the most formative years, the years when she learns the most, and it shapes who she is going to be.
I Love you so very much honey
sarah said,
February 19, 2008 @ 12:47 pm
First time moms can’t possibly have all the answers. You learn by doing and by doing you’ll learn what works and what doesn’t. Your thoughts only confirm the reality that you are a mother and a good one at that.
Take a deep breathe. Take it one day at a time.
I love and miss you guys so much. I hope the sky is looking more blue today instead of gray.
much peace
ps) nice new kitchen. Love the tea lounge pics.
Piper said,
May 4, 2008 @ 1:24 am
Fantastic writing, Patti–raw, edgy, and honest. Keep at it. Keep writing. Keep your sanity.
I think you rock!
ps