Glibbertysmidgeon

Last night I dreamed I was tired.

We were at the beach, everyone was scuba diving, shopping, and beachcombing, and I couldn’t get myself up out of my hotel bed to look for my sandals.

6 month pregnant, I’m still trying to unpack this house whenever Scarlett is asleep.
When I wake each morning my head feels rooted to the pillow.

At least in the dream I was tired someplace scenic.

Scarlett’s eyes flutter and close. Her tiny pout parts, and I feel her body relax in my arms. I stay put for several minutes watching her sleep, my heart bursting. Usually I’m happy to tuck her into bed and get on with my life, but tonight I can’t get enough of her.

These are the days when I chase my freedom. When every missed nap or late bedtime is a frustration.

Today we played at Carkeek park, where she went down the salmon-shaped slide two dozen times. She’s learning to steer herself and stay upright, no longer catching a foot on the way down and tipping sideways. There was a large barbecue going on at the nearby firepit area- a high school graduation party.

I didn’t have to look to know that none of these teens had brought her mother to the party.

Tonight she would happily stay nestled against me all night.
These days are numbered.

It is the night time when I feel the sense of dread.

When I’m listening with one ear to the baby monitor, but I can’t quite fall asleep because it’s there.. waiting to detonate.
When she keeps me up hour after hour, and I start to think those circular thoughts, “I can’t stand it! Let me go! Somebody get this baby off of my tit!”
Or when I’m sick. When I get up and cry while I rock her, desperate from misery and exhaustion.

There are nights when I fear that I have made a terrible mistake.
That I am not cut out to be a parent.

“If you were the worst mother in the world,” Kris once tried to console me, “Scarlett would not be the happy, glowing child that she is.”

I do worry that I will fail her- every day I find new ways to develop my self doubt. Shouldn’t she be better sleep trained by now? Will I ever wean? How will I know when to potty train? How will I know HOW to potty train?

But I have resources to deal with that fear. I read, I talk to other mothers, and I consult with my sage nanny, Serah.

What I really fear is that I’m not strong enough to survive this experience.